Since this flies in the face of conventional wisdom you're probably either really skeptical or you're thinking what the hell is the secret? The secret is to focus on the positive, or what you “can do”. Focusing on a positive goal and on something you can do makes you feel good, confident, and encourages your success. So, how do you go about doing this?
My strategy is three pronged: 1) Educate yourself on the topic of porn addiction as much as possible. 2) Select the key variables that matter to you the most. 3) Decide what you can do pro-actively to address these variables. For example, after you learn about porn addiction you decide that what matters the most to you is to how porn affects male sexual performance and you want to have really great sex with your girlfriend. So, you decide that you will pro-actively work on improving sex with your girlfriend so that it's passionate and beautiful like you've never experienced before. You know from the research that porn hurts your sexual performance over time so it’s not that you can’t do it, but it counters what you are pro-actively working towards, so as you focus on your goal you won’t watch porn because it doesn't help you. As another example, say you are most concerned about the symptoms of porn addiction including depression and low self-esteem. Instead of focusing on not watching porn, which would help but not be the most effective strategy, you instead focus on boosting your confidence and self-esteem. You avoid porn since it counters your goal and you focus on positive things like asking out members of the opposite sex, doing public speaking, chasing your dreams, or whatever goals you have that boost your self-confidence. These positive goals will keep you away from porn and you’ll find that as you become the person you want to be, you will lose your interest in porn.
Here's a more detailed breakout of the three pronged approach to overcoming porn:
- Use the tools I have provided to enhance your education on porn addiction. Examples include the books, movies, videos, and websites mentioned on the blog or pick up the resource guide for the most comprehensive and convenient way to have all the resources you need in one place.
- What matters to you? Pick at least 2-3 items and write them down. Examples: you don’t want to support unhealthy domination of women or you don’t want porn to influence your sex life. Or perhaps you want to be more confident and have better social skills. Don't worry about phrasing these positive or negative at this step, just write them down and we'll address that next.
- Make positive proactive goals using the things that matter to you. Example: You want to focus on making sex with your partner equally enjoyable for both of you and a very two way thing. As you focus on this as a goal, you will lose interest in porn since it is counterproductive/the opposite. Another example: you decide you want to be a more confident person with better social skills. As you work towards boosting your confidence with new habits and achievements, you will lose interest in porn by default over time since it is counterproductive with your goals. The point here is to phrase your goals as what you can do, not what you can't do.
To summarize, the secret is to have positive proactive goals related to changes you want to make in your life. This will lead to a loss of interest in porn because porn will always be misaligned with your positive goals that you are working towards and are so proud of. If you combine the secret with the techniques for habit change and everything else you've learned, you'll be well on your way to quitting porn for good.
Questions about the secret or have experience with a technique that worked for you? Please share in the comments.